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Here’s a story about how Brexit is like a kid drinking acid

Forgive any typos, I’m very passionate about not letting kids drink acid!

Let’s assume you’re a teacher and for some reason that isn’t important you’re at the largest supermarket in town with four students.

You, perhaps foolishly, ask the kids what they want. One of them pipes up asking for some acid to drink.

Whilst you know deep in your heart this is a really dumb thing to do, you’ve heard other teachers discuss how much they’d like the kids to drink acid, so you feel it’s important to gauge general opinion.

Two of the kids are against it. Two are for it. One of those for it is older than the rest by a whole 2 weeks and takes lead, swaying the vote. For argument’s sake let’s say it’s a majority of 52% for and 48% against.

Resigned to a terrible outcome you decide to progress down the path of acquiring some acid. To be drunk. By kids.

Note, at this point you thought about quitting and letting another teacher deal with the fallout of your stupid idea to ask the kids if they wanted to drink acid but for once there’s an eerie absence of teachers wanting to take the helm!

So off you trundle to see the supermarket manager. You tell him you want to buy some acid for the kids to drink. He looks aghast but says if you must, you must. And preferably do it as quickly as possible.

You’re disappointed. You were hoping he’d say NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT, THERE’S NO PROTOCOL FOR THAT YOU FOOL!! But he didn’t. He seems more than happy for you to let the kids sacrifice themselves to their own stupidity.

So you counter. What if we gave them a bottle that says acid on the outside, but isn’t really acid at all. He thinks about this and says, yes, I have just the thing, but this is the only thing, there are no other things.

He hands you the bottle. You read the ingredients. It’s palatable enough. It won’t kill them but it will cause them a lot of pain and hardship. You take it.

You go back to the kids. It took some time to get that bottle. About 2 years. They’ve aged terribly. You think, ah they might be a little older, a little wiser.

But they’ve spent the 2 years arguing over what kind of acid they’ll get and just how good it will or won’t taste when they finally get it.

Some of the other teachers have started to express concern over this idea. Better late than never. They’ve also spotted the ingredients on the bottle and are telling everyone it’s not real acid. The little shits!

They demand a vote, between themselves. The teachers need to decide whether they should eliminate the fake acid leaving only the option to drink real acid. It’s a risky strategy. You object at first, but finally concede.

They almost unilaterally defeat the motion to allow the kids to drink fake acid. You’ve never been so humiliated. Nobody has!

But now they realise there are only two options left. Drink the real acid or forget the whole thing. They look to you for guidance but you hate the kids so much, you always have, especially that foreign one, you want them to drink the acid.

The teachers want another vote. The two kids against it want another vote. You’re tired of all the voting. Why should they get another vote?! The smaller kid who voted for it has changed his mind and also wants a vote. Tough you say!

Drink the acid! Drink the acid!! Drink the acid!!! You chant, maniacally, to yourself, alone in the cleaners cupboard.

The kids start looking to the other teachers. But one of them is looking for fresh lentils in the frozen aisle. Another looks like he could help but he agreed to charge them for education so he’s out. It’s hopeless.

Some of the kids are looking to transfer to another school. It’s a shame, they’re really bright, but kids drinking acid will be good for the school, you think.

You know the only option is to ask the rest of the school what they think. But there’s a risk they’ll all vote “overwhelmingly” to drink the acid. Can’t you just take over and tell them not to drink the acid at all? Will there be a revolt?

What if you quit and the guy in the freezer aisle does it? Although it seems like he’s also pro acid drinking, he’s not sure, nobody’s sure.

What about the guy who agreed to charge people to learn? It’s not that bad a crime, surely? Not compared to this? It’s tiny really when you think about it. All the other schools charge to learn. Why is this school so special?

If only you’d told the kids to shut the hell up and do as they’re told 2 years ago, you’d never be in this pickle. If only!

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